tips – Peter Demuth

Author Anna Demuth

“If you want to go fast, go alone; but if you want to go far, go together.”
African proverb

The coronavirus pandemic has not only affected countries and continents but also our family; Working at home, homeschooling and having the spouse 24/7 at home had test families resilience and patience. Statistics show an increase in family violence, mental health and drug and alcohol problems.

There are several news and reports about a spike and dramatic increase in “divorce boom” and divorce and relationship services growth.

For many marriages, relationship and families, this is a challenging year. We have been stuck at home and stip away from many of our relationship with friends and family and coworkers. We rely almost exclusively on our partner to take on these several roles. At the same time, we might feel guilty feeling annoyed, distanced and frustrated with our relationship, especially now in a time of crisis when we actually should find encouragement and support.

But how can you maintain a healthy marriage during this time that consumes all our energy and brakes us emotionally? We are going through a pandemic, that pushes us to our limits mentally, financially, and as a couple.

So here are a couple of tips for you.

Be Kind to yourself and your spouse.

Accepting the ups and downs of each other. Each of us will have experienced this time; differently, some will suffer more; others will have more understanding and go through this time without fighting or arguments. Accept the partner’s feelings and ways to cope with the situation.

Create memorable moments of intimacy

Even during the time of isolation, it’s essential to find moments to have a conversation without children running around. Perhaps a walk in the backyard or staying a little longer in bed and cuddling with your partner. Maybe staying up a little bit longer than your children and make room for a quiet conversation. Perhaps just a silent moment to build trust and rediscover yourself and your partner. Express love, compassion and understanding as often as possible, especially if you see any signs of fatigue. You are after all each other’s cheerleader and uplifters and motivators.

Train your body and mind.

Staying all day long at home will affect your relationship. Slowly you both will not have much to speak about, and you will always have the same conversation. The boredom of the daily routine will find its way into your relationship. To avoid this, one strategy is to read more books, news and discuss ideas. Take on a project at home, and if you already finished everything you had planned look for a new one. Create small new goals for yourself, complete something in the garden, clean, organise your cupboard and practise more sport or music. Create habits rather than one-off projects that you can do regularly on your own and as a couple.

Express gratitude, make compliments and showing appreciation.

As not much is happening, you can fall into just thinking about what you can not do, what your missing, what you would do or buy when possible. Until restrictions are lifted try to see what you have today and around you, find every day something to say thank you, this will make you happier and value what you have instead what is not with you.

Speaking about gratitude, why not say something nice and surprising to your spouse, instead just to think about yourself, try it, it can get fun and usually you will get some of that back.

Loneliness and its many consequences are the more subtle but challenging effects of the Covid- 19 Pandemic.

Couples are fed up with each other, and family life has become so dull that not even hours-long TV binging is doing the trick of distracting us from reality. People do not have enough money to cover their daily lives. They can’t go to work or do anything meaningful outside their homes.

As a couple be more flexible, caring and understanding to what each one is going through. Be aware of what is happening around you and find strategies to go through this time in a healthy and solidary way.

If you are religious seek wisdom on your religious tradition

Remember the church service you celebrated on your marriage day? Perhaps the ceremony that was conducted? Maybe you seek advice from your spiritual leader. Or make a routine for yourselves to read together with your religious texts. What do they say about marriage and relationship? Having a spiritual moment together like a prayer, a song of worship, lighting of a candle etc. is an important moment for relationships.

Seek and get advice

Our last tip is to get advice as soon as you feel you need help. There are so many possibilities to receive support, yet we don’t. You should look for guidance and counselling, even if your relationship is great. I will help preventively. What often happens is that conflict escalates in such a way that separation and divorce are decision one side already made. You are then confronted with an already set and done situation. Advice and counselling usually help to prevent this situation and allow you to talk thing trough and find solutions together.